The Problem
Some have accused me of being a hermit since I don't like to do "normal"
activities other people like to.
Well fuck you too.
Usually, I'm not in the mood for getting drunk, eating (it's so boring I'm gonna
get some tube implanted into my stomach one day so I can just inject food),
movies, video games (which perhaps
is the most ironic of it all. But then again only just a few tobacco executives smoke.
I just made that up by the way.)
Most of the time, those things are rather boring. I mean I
don't like to think of my weekend as better spent defecating on a bathroom floor.
And of course adults are mostly to blame. They say they care, but in actuality they don't.
And then they bother me with their idiotic slogans of
"BLAH BLAH BLAH you're too arrogant BLAH BLAH BLAH" and "you need to
respect other people." Well maybe you need a punch in the face for
some reality time.
Anyways.
The Solution to the Problem
But being the only cool person in the world is kinda disheartening at times. So
I'm prepared to train (free of charge!) a few people to be cool just like me.
I've made a list of activities people just like you can apply to be coolated by basically
hanging around me.
The Options that Satisfy the Solution to the Problem
- Watch me code my website. That's right. You not only can you watch me type HTML and CSS (not to
forget the ever so technical php includes) into notepad
but you can also hear the typing. Just as you boring movie goers should know,
silence is golden so shut up and don't interrupt the websiting process. Since you are wrong,
advice is not needed. In case computer crashes, you are just as gay as Bill Gates.
I'll probably blame the freezage due to you raspy breathing or something.
- Watch me create funny pictures using Adobe Photoshop. In addition to watching me,
you'll expand your vocabulary with a variety of explicatives due to Photoshop's many many crashes.
- Listen to me give you instructions on helping me on my website. Many people say they are helpful.
But if I really had to think about it, most people fall under the category of shiteating parasite.
So, are you up to challenge
for researching for my serious articles and finding relevant info? Probably not.
This activity is limited
to people whose IQ's exceed the room temperature of an igloo.
- Watch me study. Rare, but nevertheless worthwhile, experiences of calculus book thrown at plastic
shoeholder/sweater-rack/crapshelf which because of its cheapness breaks very easily.
Unless I'm fiddling with my
it, you may use my super cool graphing cockulator. But not before you duck tape
my cheap plastic shelf back together. (Calculator games not included, but graphing 3 cos (4x^3) + YOURMOM is
fun. Although that gives an OVERFLOW DUE TO FATASS error on my calculator.)
- Watch me eat in my bedroom. In fact, think of yourself as the shuttle company
that provides food for me. Routes include supermarket, kitchen, and my room.
- Do my homework.
Sometimes ALL THE TIME it's boring and shitty.
So, take one for the team and do
it. Requires cursive yet non-bubbly/non-gay handwriting. (Hint: if your B's look like dicks, no need
to apply.)
- Keep the hate alive in the Mozilla newsgroups. Quite frankly I ran out of original material.
As a result, I stopped posting. However, this can't be like this. This task takes a few minutes and you
basically use the following nouns with the following verbs and slam words.
Nouns: AOLTW, artwork, Hitler
Verbs: sucks, fails
Slam: Idiotic, moron, miserable, shitty, incompetent
- Using chalk, write my website's URL on the concrete parts of the bayou. Must be good runner and/or
must have good communicational skills with police.
- Harass Google and its employees with emails. Find emails of Google's 1000+ employees and send them
emails asking them why my website is shafted by them. Repeat with Yahoo.
- Write comebacks to common criticisms concerning me. For example, "Andras, Your website is so
damn narcistic. Do you stare at yourself in the mirror?" Possible answer, "It's better
than staring at an ugly ass all day. Oh what do you know, it's also a mirror!"
How to Send Entries Concerning the Options that Satisfy the Solution to the Problem
All qualified applicants should send what job number they are applying for, a picture of the
applicant, and a short
paragraph explaining why I should let the applicant help me.*
Fine-Print Concerning how to Send Entries Concerning the Options that Satisfy the Solution to the Problem
* Writing in all-caps, run-ons, gay characters such
as ~!@#$%^&* are all grounds for dismissal from this highly selective process. Room and board
not included. Andkon.com is not an equal oppurtunity employeer: Ugly People No Need to Apply.
Many will enter few if any will win.
