Dear President Bush,
Aren't you just damn tired of Presidenting? I know I am and it certainly seems like you do too: if I had only half the failures you've had, I would have killed myself long ago. Tax cuts that don't do diddly squat (except for those who already have more than enough), war plans that have no long-term objective (Afghana-who?), and anti-terrorism plans ("This weeks warning level is: [insert M&M flavor]"), and an economy that's so South, we can start talking in Mexican, mi amigo. So don't you wish that with all these pathetic shortcomings you had a way out? No, I don't want to sell you a shotgun. However, I do want to take over job and become the President. It's simple, all we have to do it switch. Do yourself a favor! I become President, you become a full-time student (come on, you know you want to learn all the stuff you didn't the first time).
The American Constitution is a real bitch about not letting things like that happen easily. Unlike European systems where elections aren't necessarily in periodic cycles, the American system does not allow for this massive scale Presidential swapping. Or does it? Since I know Ashcroft has personally ripped up all copies of the Constitution in the White House, let me refresh your memory to the days when you first learned about it, when you were stoned in college though it was more likely on the job training. The easy way would be to fire that creepy Cheney and make me Vice-President. However, since I wasn't born in the US, that wouldn't work too well. However, according to the Presidential Succession Act of 1947, if both the President and Vice-President become incapacitated, then the Speaker of the House becomes the President, then Senate President, and then Secretary of State. Since I don't qualify to be elected for Congress, we will have to take the long road to Secretary of State's succession.
So here's my plan: First, make me Secretary of State. It's not like anyone likes Powell anyways. To the hawks he's a wuss and not strong enough for the doves. Then basically fire everyone at once and resign. So after firing Powell, proceed at the same time (this is very important) by firing Cheney, Speaker what's-his-name, Senate President what's-his-name, and finally yourself. Then I get to be President. I can assure you this is all legal. Since I won't need my stuff anymore, you can feel free to move in with my parents. They are boring and about your age so it'll be a fun time playing Bingo and Monopoly.
I am anxiously awaiting your decision. I would hope to become President either before or after the summer, though not during. I have my vacation already planned and I would hate to reschedule do to my succession to the Presidency.
With Much Thanks and Gratitude,
Andras Konya
The Future President of the United States