It has come to my attention that people who own Hummers are the worst mankind has to offer. Perhaps they are even worse than people who graduated from Harvard or Yale. They are the kind of people who will fornicate with Adolf Hitler when (never if) they go to hell to burn eternally for their crimes against humanity. Simply put, they are greedy bastards. Psst! Come closer and listen up! Here's a great plan: Let me spend over $100,000 on a car, I am such a fucking genius. Nevermind the fact that over a billion people are abysmally starving. Nevermind that donating $70,000 and settling for ONLY a $30,000 car (commonly called "cars most people don't seem to mind having") would save literally thousands of people from imminent death. Nevermind that $70,000 could buy you almost 100 tons of yummy animal crackers. Oh no, let the poor bastards starve, I mean they are poor bastards after all. I mean DUUUH! They wouldn't have those big pot bellies if they weren't full.
The Hummer owners' arrogance comes across in the reason the jackasses dare to buy the car. The purpose of a car is to get from point A to point B in as less time as possible, unless you are greedy bastard in which case the purpose of a car is to get from point A to point B in as much glitz as possible. Hummer owners get a sick, sexual thrill out of people looking at their cars. Reminds me of an exhibitionist whore with too much make up on and too many STD's quite frankly.
One thing besides Hummer owners that piss me off is advertisement for the Hummer. They ads are full of nice scenes in which the adventurous Hummer is going on savannahs, mountains, valleys, and various other bullshit scenary. Perhaps they need to add one more adventure that is actually realistic: paved roads going, 35 miles per hour. Anybody who buys a Hummer hasn't the slightest intention of going offroad (because he is a pansy fearing scratches and dents) but buys a Hummer to feel the awesome kick of adrediline. And why do they get such a kick from owning a car that is portrayed as so risque and fun? People who own Hummers have to assert their dominance one way or another. Well actually, they have problems. And when I say problems I mean that they all have a small penises. So then buying a HUGE Hummer EVERYONE likes to STARE AT satisfies their sick urges at dominance and exhibitionism. But here's a fun, rough adventure for Hummer owners. Drive your damn shitwagon thru Africa. Be sure to put signs on the car informing on-lookers how much the car costs. See how long you live.
The stupidity of the Hummer owners is more than evident. They basically buy a car that looks like tuna can for a ton of money. The only thing separating a KIA from a Hummer is that the first costs one-tenth of the second. Speaking of crappy cars like KIA, most of my childhood was spent in Hungary. Being a communist country until 1989, Hungary had (and still has) its share of shitty communist manufactured crap cars. Let's have an example and its blueprint:
The "car" you see above is called the Trabant (pronounced as hôrssht). It was incessantly manufactured in Eastern Europe from about the 60's until just a few years ago, though you can still see Trabants all across Eastern Europe. (Some people had to wait up to a decade to receive the car after ordering.) Having taken more than necessary rides in what I like to call "communism on wheels", I can tell you that it's exactly like a woody roller coaster, except not nearly fast. Seriously though, the body of the Trabant IS made out of some cardboard type wood. Apart from the lining on the side view mirrors and windshielf wipers, the car is all cardboard. Essentially, a car made out of reinforced paper. In fact, we could call it a box with seats if boxes weren't so offended by the comparison. The cost of the car (including such generous add-ons as the engine, windshield wipers, seats, paper frame, windows, rear view mirror, and super glue for maintenance) was around $200. This is where the classic Hummer owner stupidty comes in.
But before we continue to bash Hummer owners, let's look at more images. Our second set of pictures shows us a Hummer with its blueprint I made in Microshaft Paint in little over 3 minutes. I seriously doubt that the Hummer's numerous engineers, scienticians, statisticians, and mathemagicians came up with anything better. Notice the uncanny resemblance to the nicknamed "communism on wheels":
Hmmmm... Interesting, to say the least. Paper box with seats, sells for the equivalent of $200. Metal box with seats, sells for $100,000. Thusfore, Hummer owners are not only greedy bastards, sexual perverts, and convicted child molestors, but they also horribly suck at math. You'd think people who could spend $100,000 on a damn car would be competent enough to realize what a rip off the Hummer is. Oh well, the feeling of having a penis that doesn't resemble female genitalia is worth all the money in the world, I guess.
If someone you know is a proud owner of a Hummer, please don't hesitate to give them this gift below. Simply print it out on sticker paper and you have your very own Hummer bumper sticker!
Hummer likes to brag that it's Like Nothing Else™. Let me list a few experiences that are similar to the Hummer in that they are Like Nothing Else™: