The Randomly Thrown Together Page on Women in General

People usually settle for less. Especially when it comes to picking girls. When I'm usually criticizing someone's selection, it's like listening to some broken record: "You don't have girlfriend" etc. ad infinitum. That just sounds like justification for dating an ugly baboon. And besides, sometimes nothing is better something, something gabby and hideous.

Steps to Determine if you are Dating A Baboon If you Ever Talk to Me [with real meanings in brackets]

• "Yeah, well you don't have a girlfriend, so HA!" ["What a mess I got myself into. Please help your good friend. Please, Andras."]
• "You're not talented enough to get a girlfriend." ["I know that the only requirement to have a girlfriend is a dick but I'm feeling down so excuse my retardation."]
• "Andras, you're never getting laid in your life." ["By this I mean, that I justify getting laid with a baboon. DON'T DO IT ANDRAS! SAVE YOURSELF!"]
• "At least some girls appreciate me, Andras." [Ditto]
• "And you wonder why no girls come over to talk to us" ["Shampoo? I just rub the second syllable of that all over my face."]
• "I hate it when she calls me at midnight and we talk for an hour." ["But I talk anyways because I know no other girl wants me."]
• Mention of the "Zipper incident" or anything to do with my Dockers Squared or Cubed ["Andras, you are my hero for standing up to non-comical girls and the single panted society!"]

And if we ever get away from the personal attacks, and get to the heart of the matter, I usually get some other crap, usually an excuse for why it's okay for the girl to be a baboon. These attacks on my character are sometimes originated as a result of my question, "Is [so-and-so] hot?" Here's the most common weasel answers which all automatically mean HELL NO (plus my analysis):

• The 3 second pause in which people think I'll realize not to press the question. I'm shameless, so I will.
• "So how is English test?" Bad distraction, since it can easily be assumed.
• "She likes to party." Ugly and a drunken whore, wonderful.
• "Wait, don't look at her now, she isn't wearing any makeup." Is she a circus clown normally?
• "Her sister is hot." Ahh, the excuse for the "hotness skips every other sibling" gene.
• "Well [...]" List of excuses isn't going to make up for the fact that she's ugly.
• "She has a warm personality." I don't see a detour sign, does anyone else?
• "You're European." Very true, water is wet and fire trucks are usually red. Too bad it doesn't prove anything.
• "She's cool." Hmmm. Let's take this a bit far: If you date, then it's cool people you date. I'm cool, so you'd date me. Therefore, you are gay.
• "I don't care about looks, I'm not superficial." Perhaps you're just blind or gay or both?
• "I wouldn't call her hot but she's certainly cute". I missed the memo where "cute" became the "sympathy ugly."
• "Her mom is so nice." Well, then date her damn it.

My Plea to Ugly Girls

Although mathematically it works out that virtually all people will find a mate, I'm thoroughly disgusted how bad some girls look. What's worse are girls who don't acknowledge this fact and go out of their way to "look so good," usually making an even bigger catastrophe than before. People need to snap out of their relativist mindset which justifies dating people like the Polyester Rage. I mean, yeah, she certainly wants to be with every single guy in the world except for me, but let's face it: she too will have a boyfriend one day. (Sorry, Christine, I will pay for the barf stain to be removed from your carpet.)

First, why wear make up if your face is ugly? Unless it's cement you're putting on your face, makeup is simply going to call even more attention to it. Why would you want that? Sparkles are the solution to bad makeup though: hopefully the light reflected from them will make me go blind.

Second, acting nice to make up (haha, what a good pun) for lacking areas doesn't have to be whoring. Sitting in anyone's lap isn't going to get a boyfriend, though if the guy is drunk enough it will get you laid.

Lastly, if you punch me in the arm and say that's play but when i do the same it's called abuse, then your new boyfriend should be a punching bag, not me. If you start tickling me so much so that I roll to the ground and then start kicking me, that ain't right garden hoe. COUGH COUGH COUGH, that ought to be called abuse, but shit no let's just call that being outgoing. If that's outgoing, what is battery and assault, kidding around? Of course it's not like this happened in real life, oh no.

The list everyone has been waiting for, a litmus test for dating me:

• Intelligence. If you don't know what a litmus test is or don't know what book you'd use to look it up, then no need to apply. If I settle for idiots now, what will happen when I decided to have kids? My army of sperm don't deserve to exhaust themselves traveling for days just to make one imbecile.
• Makeup. As stated previously, if I wanted to date a clown, then I'd call Ringling Brothers. Refrain from make up. And if you can't because you're too ugly, then you shouldn't be dating me anyways.
• Giggles. If you laugh at everything anyone says, then I'm better off buying a broken record. I can't stand when girls giggle and cover their mouths as if the ear-piercing high-pitched pig squeals aren't heard. I ought to buy a bullhorn and aim it at these type of gabsters frequently.
• Slut-dress. If you own a pair of those Britney Spears pink cab driver hats, then you are a slut. If you follow any fashion tips from magazines which use more than a million different fonts, then have fun ripping the for him colognes from magazines and imagining that your imaginary boyfriend is right there next to you. (Hint: The only guys who do wear cologne are gay.)
• Odors. Wearing perfume is horrible. I never remember wanting mustard gas burning out my eyes, so don't ever wear perfume that has a pH level above or below water. In fact, why wear perfume? To cover up not showering? That's just gross. My ideal perfume for a girl is soapy water. Cheap, practical, non-agitating.
• If it's hard for you to distinguish between pajamas and everyday clothes, then look somewhere else. If you are so eager to stay in bed, may I recommended the pleasure wands Mr X is offering at sosa.andkon.com?
• Anniversaries. I frequently pick up chatter around school with ever important anniversaries like a month or a half-something. I hate being reminded of any type of commitment. I'm not into the whole idea of gift-giving either. Being reminded of the past is being reminded of too many mistakes.
• Entertainment. Odds are 1 to {every band that has existed} that I don't like your music. The safe choice is silence. And in the rare case I didn't throw you out of the car for picking a radio station, switching radio stations every 2 seconds is certainly going to guarantee that. With TV, everything pretty much sucks, so nothing is the safe bet. Well, Tales from the Crypt is just great though. I really like it. Concerts are crap as well. However, if you want your ears blasted out I have some bullhorns ready for you.
• Politics. I hate it when people talk about politics as if they knew anything. "Blah blah, tax cuts my ass this" and "Isn't the Supreme Court just outrageous"... Who cares? If you support either political party, odds are very good that your IQ is stuck near room temperature. Sorry but I can't stand such "cool" people. Also, if you are engaged in PETA, Lesbitarians, NOW, or any other feminazi organizations, then odds are I already have a restraining order on you.
• Food. Pick your favorite: Chinese, Mexican, American, Indian, or Italian. If your answer is "Gee! All of the above" or "Like can I pick two, I'm really hungry" or "This question is making my stomach tickle" then perhaps get a date with Ronald McDonald. While you're at it, ask him for some valuable makeup tips.
• If you worry about your weight, look somewhere else. This one is actually quite common sense: either you are fat or have emotional problems that make you think you look fat. Heifers and schizos aren't my type. Sorry. Not!
• I love it when I pass by couples making out and the girl's talking about some hot celebrity. If you want to talk about other guys while with me, then it'd better be about how much better I am.

And people dare call me superficial that I don't like ugly girls. You must be a pervert to settle for anything less than gorgeous. Or already caught in the web of hideousity to try to tell me to settle for less. It's like drugs: "Man, you're a loser, here's ugly girl, you won't notice the difference after a while." Say no to peer pressure.

My email is andraskonya@hotmail.com not to be confused with andraskonya@hotmale.com. Contact me if you qualify.