Book Quotes

You know those quotes that sometimes appear on book covers and more frequently on book jackets on hardbacks? Well, it appears I have a few quotes to contribute to some selected books.

Dubliners

• "From what seems like a thousands stories with about that many characters in each, Joyce doesn't offer a single redeeming quality about any character."
• "Recommended for people about to commit suicide to at least make them feel right for once."
• "This book is a must for anyone into wasting their time."
• "Contains at least one error: being published."
• "When you're low on firewood, reach for your copy of Dubliners."
• "When rolled up, Dubliners makes an excellent blunt weapon... Too bad Joyce isn't alive for the beating of his life."
• "Makes me want to erase Ireland off all the maps I own."
• "Joyce brags that it took him over a decade to finish this short book. I wonder how much worse it'd be if it took a weekend, the amount of time it seems Joyce spent on it."

The Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man

• "Stephen is set up as some sort of genius. However, there is no specific item detailing why or even what Stephen is so damn good at. 'Much ado about nothing.'"
• "The Portrait of the Crap as a Crappy Crap."
• "Joyce is horrible at seeming true to life: Stephen feels that kissing his mother is sexual while he in no way catches on to the whole homo scene with 'smugging.' Bad writing, dressed up in esoteric babbles."
• "Refreshing diatribes about the ever exciting political nuances of the late 1800's of Ireland."
• "Skip the priest's 20 page homily if you can't skip the book altogether."
• "Boring as a white wall."
• "Stephanforos is actually an early form of LSD used in Ireland at the beginning of the 20th century."
• "Too many 'he' pronouns, especially in scenes with all males."
• "Joyce makes it seem like anything he says is important. Don't be fooled."
• "The only book with more footnotes than actual text. Correction: plus Dubliners."
• "Thankfully, this book is not flame-retardant."
• "Crap has never been this crap before."
• "Like running your nails down a chalkboard and driving iron nails thru your brain."
• "A sad excuse for schizophrenia and a whole array of mental disorders."
• "Pointless and confusing at best."
• "The worst possible combination of letters in the English language."
• "Calling this book an abomination is like calling Hitler a bad guy."

Gilgamesh

• "Gaygamesh symbolizes all that is unimaginative and banal."
• "This first epic can be summed up in one word: crap."
• "Winner of the prestigious 'Redundant Master of Tautology Award'"
• "A simple children's story masquerading as some grand piece of literature."
• "At or even below the level of Fluffy and Fifi."

A Very Old Man With Enormous Wings

• "Crap of unimaginable proportions."
• "Waste of trees."
• "The best part: it's very short."
• "The most unimaginative imaginative story ever."
• "Way below Fluffy and Fifi."

Palace Walk

• "Too damn long."
• "Verbal diarrhea, minimal plot."
• "If you have to read this book, you might as well buy it now as there are no Cliffnotes or Sparknotes for this book."
• "What new coke was to the original coke."