This is an actual email I sent to Anderson Cooper, some anchor on CNN with his own show.
Dear Man-Anchor Anderson,
Hey. I'm always trying out new schemes to get girls. Well not really. Most are thought experiments that are so bad that they fail even in my day dreams during whatever it is that I do all day. So practically, none have been too successful, in fact they have all been miserable failures. So everyday when I cry myself to sleep over my crappy quagmire, I thought of a great idea: Get a "date" with you. No, I still like girls and I'm not gay. But here's my super great plan. But I warn you, put on your shades as a precaution to shield the retina-damaging brilliance of it.
So I overhear in one of my classes that girls find some man-anchor on CNN "cute" and "hot." Since Aaron Brown is just kinda dorky and Bill Hemmer is a goofy idiot who looks like he slept with all the female workers at CNN, I'm guessing it's you. Then they mentioned some debate you moderated on CNN with the Democratic whatevers so I knew it was you. I never thought guys with grey hair were something teenage girls were into, but hey if it's Sean Connery you want well then that's what you want... and get. I don't know what's with girls and older men, maybe Freud was right. Ah that's kinda gross. So instead of putting baby powder into my hair (which made a very nice impression on my 5th grade teacher during my "imitate President Reagan and give his biography" speech, even though Reagan didn't ever have grey hair), I had an even better idea.
We go on a kinda a dinner and date type shabang to a glitzy restarunt of your choice where there are hot girls. That's right, you choose and you pay, after all you're the one with the job, cheapskate. So, then teenage girls would start noticing you right away since they are into snowy old mountains or whatever. Then as more and more a crowd gathers around our table we do a modified version of the Chinese Fire Drill. Instead of switching the driver and passenger, on account of our lack of automobile, you'd lock all the doors, scream "Crowd around my table" and jump out the window and go away. Then, when all the girls flock our table, I will be the only one left. Then I could use my great pick up lines like:
Pretty suave, right? Well, yes it is.
PS Your website's picture of you, I would venture to guess, scares more people than it attracts. It's too big and too much you. Unlike pictures of the giant pictures of me on this very site, your face just doesn't fit in. It kinda reminds me of an angry gnome (creepy smile and pointy ears) who was cut from Santa's team. We all know you don't look like that on TV, so I modified the picture to make it look more friendly and more importantly less crap:
