Andkon's Daily Rightings

Latest Comments | Headlines | Search Dailys | Comic: Title Goes Here | Grero

Andkon is the shining bacon of the 21st century, single-handedly leading humanity out of the uncertain present. Apart from managing the world's best arcade, he writes daily to cultivate the ignorant masses

Title Goes Here: Honest Deception (#37)

0 comments
Title Goes Here
If you watched the local news last night, you saw the interview with me where I explain how underfunded higher education really is.
What does that have to do with today's lecture for Marketing and Deception: What We Can Learn From Hitler and Other Mass Murderers 101?
Well, for one the stats I gave where completely from my ass. Journal of Number Things and Such? Haha, it doesn't even exist. As long as you say something with enough energy, everyone will believe.
Andkon 2005, as if.

Title Goes Here: Funny Chems (#36)

0 comments
Title Goes Here
Many of you might be wondering why leaves turn red in the fall.
Not really, we learned about chlorophyll and how it breaks down in the second grade.
Yes, in normal places that's the reason. But here it's thanks to the toxic chemical factory which spews hazardous byproducts into the air. It's also the reason why your skin tingles throughout the day.
Andkon 2005, as if.

Title Goes Here: Protesting Stuff (#35)

0 comments
Title Goes Here
I can't seem find my wallet and car keys.
Did you slam them into the administration office's window again to protest the "No Cruelty to Small Animals" directive the university's president passed?
Ah, yes! That's where they are. I keep forgetting my acts of civil terrorism.
Andkon 2005, as if.

Title Goes Here: Cannon Fodder (#34)

0 comments
Title Goes Here
The recruiting arm of the marines is coming to campus today. As I get a commission for every worthless shit I sign up, I'd hope to derail one you from an already terrible education into cannon fodder for the military. Imagine, you'll defend the homeland by bombing peasants in countries that may not even exist.
There seems to be a conflict of interest in your deal.
Johnson, why aren't you patriotic enough to give your limbs or life for mega-conglomerates?
Andkon 2005, as if.

Title Goes Here: Wasted Money (#33)

0 comments

[Flip back a few pages, there's plenty of Crapsmear Goes Here.]

Title Goes Here
The local billionaire philanthropist has donated $270 million for the new humanities building.
Isn't that a big waste of money just to put your name on a building?
As chairman of the new humanities department, we will be discussing how there's never enough money to stop the starvation of 30,000 children every single day.
Andkon 2005, as if.

Title Goes Here: Real Life (#32)

0 comments
Title Goes Here
Today in Economics Fraud-and-Fraud, we will be discussing the best methods of burdening America after diverting profits from taxation.
I hate this class. Too many bullshit theories that have no connection with real life.
Actually, as Chief Embezzler Officer of three quasi-legal offshore banks in the Caribbean, this stuff works out especially (and sometimes only) if it doesn't "add up."
Andkon 2005, as if.

Title Goes Here: Financially Betrayed (#31)

0 comments
Title Goes Here
As your financial aid officer and embezzler-in-chief, it's my duty to resist your leeching money away from me.
Perhaps the financial aid system is flawed if your salary is based commissions from money you don't give out.
Barbara, I hear your family owns a microwave oven. Such luxury items can make you illegible for generous grants like having a source of light in your dorm room.
Andkon 2005, as if.

Title Goes Here: Precious Space (#30)

0 comments
Title Goes Here
The Patriot Act 2.0 allows me to search all body cavities of my students. I'll be hiding most of my drugs in your anuses until the current investigation is over. Yes Barbara?
It seems that multiple foreign objects will make your desired mission impossible for me.
Damn it, Johnson. Your extracurricular sexual deviancy is costing me valuable ass-space for my illegal drugs.
Andkon 2005, as if.

Title Goes Here: Sticky Help (#29)

0 comments
Title Goes Here
I usually don't pass out drugs to my students, but the police are conducting a search of my office, so hide them in your backpacks.
What about all the bucketloads of child porn you told us about? Where did you hide that?
As all the pages tend to stick together for as-of-yet unknown reasons, I only had to paste over the cover of each magazine.
Andkon 2005, as if.

Title Goes Here: Sticky Legalisms (#28)

0 comments
Title Goes Here
It appears that for tenure I need two letters of recommendation... from students. Since all my past students have either fled the country or have died of natural causes at the ripe ages of 20-23, you two are the only ones holding me from a steady job. I will give you A's if you just sign these pre-written letters.
Can we have a legally binding contract that makes you give us A's? We don't really trust you...
Well neither does the judiciary branch of the government which has forbidden me from entering into contracts as long as I live. They apparently have something against conartists and sociopaths.
Andkon 2005, as if.

Title Goes Here: Joe Turtle (#27)

0 comments
Title Goes Here
Barbara, your desired result of inflicting death by putting rat poison in my coffee has miserably failed. Rat poison is for rats, not assholes like me.
Oh well, A for effort though, right?
No, A is for another animal of yours assassinated, which demonstrates my refined technique of persistent assonance. I never knew turtles like to drink coffee.
Andkon 2005, as if.

Title Goes Here: Funny Money (#26)

0 comments
Title Goes Here
It has come my attention that there's a bicycle thief on campus.
Didn't I see you riding about seven completely different bikes just in the last few days? I even tried to call security about that.
Calling security does nothing when Officer Bob is hogtied in the basement.
Andkon 2005, as if.

Title Goes Here: Funny Money (#25)

0 comments
Title Goes Here
Today is the university's "Jerk Around the Flag" Day. The flag is missing it's white stars: that's where the jerking "comes" in, or out.
Isn't this a bit too graphic?
If a patriotic circle jerk is too hard, I certainly dn't suggest reading the proposed 2006 Federal Budget subtitled "A Continued Sellout to Special Interests."
Andkon 2005, as if.

Title Goes Here: Small Prey (#24)

0 comments
Title Goes Here
I became a professor for the sole reason of having everyone obey my authority. I would have become an officer in the military but they didn't have "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" back then and it's not as if it's that hard to tell.
Why did you get married then?
Mostly for the small prey, usually known as children. I always want something weak to take my anger out on, which brings us back to why I became a professor in the first place.
Andkon 2005, as if.

Title Goes Here: Pertinent Parking (#23)

0 comments

[Be sure to flip back a few pages at the bottom to catch all the comics...]

Title Goes Here
I'm almost saddened to announce the complete and total annihiliation of the volleyball field. Its space will be used as two new parking spaces for the new football stadium.
That's outrageous! That place has so many memories attached. It's where I got Barbara pregnant for maybe the second but definately the third time.
You can relive the memories by purchasing seasonal parking passes in those romantic spots now known as RU-486 and RU-487.
Andkon 2005, as if.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65